finding home

We went to G&D's summer place on Saturday, so that G and M could go into Brooklyn together for a gig that G's band had. That left D and I, our 2 boys each, and almost all of G's Italian family filling the house with commentary, banter, (mostly in italian of course), loads of food, and the usual jockeying that goes on between siblings and parents of what to do, when, with how many people, and once a decision is made it's discarded and remade several times before it gets settled on. (Heavy foreshadowings of our family camping later this week, I'm sure! Just minus the italian ...)

Initally I felt very out of place, as the boys and I were staying overnight (loads of bedrooms) but I still felt intrusive into their family enclave, as welcoming as they were. It didn't help that Douglas hauled out a chess set within 3 minutes of arrival, and accidentally knocked the pieces all over the floor, some of them marble and broken. One of the uncles freaked out, and didn't take D's assurances that they had been mostly broken already (it was a hodge-podge of several old sets and I don't doubt she was right) too well. His edginess put me on edge more than I already was. I knew that the parents who came (Nono and Nona) rarely venture out of their home in the Bronx, and had made special pains to come be with their kids. They welcomed me, shoved extra food at me, and made me feel like I belonged. I realized near the end of dinner that if I was to have a good time, and they weren't to feel obligated, that I just better relax and make myself at home and stop feeling like a 3rd wheel. Fynn's single-handed charming of the edgy uncle, and the kids going down to the basement to play (full of giant blocks, mats, dress up clothes, ride on toys, and mouse poop) helped a lot :).

After breakfast on Sunday, the boys holed up in front of the TV and watched a Sponge Bob marathon, keeping amazingly quiet.

The house (former barn) is huge and roomy and so comfortable, you can't help feel at home there. But the part that made it truly a home was the love/connections between the family members, and between G and D and us. G's always had the ability to make me see the value of relaxation and flowing from one activity to the next, for some reason. Letting connections be made and thoughts expressed, without being too careful about things that don't really matter.

In my wandering around the property, I'd seen some ropes hanging from the trees, across the marshy lake that separated the house from most of the surrounding forest. I'd done some creek wading, and when M and G returned late-morning, I left the kids and went and checked them out. Sure enough, there was a long rope swing with a t-bar at the bottom, an even taller (35+ feet) rope swing with a log seat and the most delicious gentle arc to it, and a rope ladder that looked like a ship's rigging strung between two trees.

I tried them out, then went back and convinced the men and boys to come along and join the fun. There was much joyful squealing, some squabbling about turns, and then the thunder drove us back into the house.

We packed and left, leaving G and D awaiting the return of their family from church. It was time to go and leave them to their own, and yet hard too as they are so open in sharing what they have. Lovely friends, people, and parents.

I realized on the way home that I was having these momentary flashes of familiar and unfamiliar. We'd driven that way a couple times, and some of the sights were already in my memory bank, and others seemed totally new. I've been having that a lot with my running lately also, as I go the same routes around here multiple times. The web of 'familiar MA' is growing daily.

The desire for familiar things. Calling MA home for now, and referring to Bklyn as bklyn. Douglas loving it here, starting to recognize things, and wishing he lived here. Where is home to be? It's wherever we choose to feel it, wherever we are as family, but roots are starting to play a part. Where do we plant them? I feel the pull to do so, and yet a fear too of getting too settled to travel. I feel like there are two very strong desires in there, and the two are always dancing. New things and familiar things. Familiar is comfortable, known, easy, and predictable. Understood. New things can be disturbing, vague, shaky, and exhilarating. Full of potential and wonder and joy. So can the familiar I suppose, but it's not as easy.

I love both things. I want a new place to put down roots, discover, contribute to, reshape and make into beautiful things, connect, and grow in. A place my boys will revel in, not feel bound by. I want them to live outside, not inside. I think I want to too.

Friday Musings

I've done nothing but post pics lately, and I have more waiting in the wings, but thought I'd babble a bit instead. Missed it, did you? Riiiight.

Been thinking a lot lately about what to do when this mostly idyllic summer is over, and I'm not sure what's next. We both really really want to get land and build something simple on it, but as the moolah to do so is in no way in evidence yet, there are hurdles to be passed. Lowering our expenses once we return to Brooklyn for starters (another tenant most likely ... big sigh) and figuring out what income we need and where we want to settle.

The house we were at last night (returning G and D's visit to their summer quarters just an hour south of us) helped cement the desire to build from stone, near water. They are staying in a converted stone barn on a huge acreage tucked into some forest, next to a pond and river. The stone walls, pine floors, and light and space was wonderful. We ended up spending the night, and slept in one of the upper bedrooms with windows thrown wide to hear the frogs and crickets and rushing water. I was, however, fully awakened at 3am (after half waking up at 2:3o when Michael crawled in) by something thumping around the room, loudly. It sounded like a rat or squirrel, and my first thought was that one was getting into the bread in my bag on the side table. Michael fumbled for the light, to be greeted by a large bat flying frantically around the small room. (The wide open windows were screened, I'm not sure how or when he got in.) I let Michael dance around, take out screens and try to shoo him, and watched from my perch mostly beneath the covers. Conveniently, he swooped out into the hall, then back into the room, but clonked himself on the door and fell straight into the empty bowl that was propping the door open :). Michael slapped the screen he was brandishing down over the bowl, we looked at and admired him for a bit, and then tossed him out the window. He was a good 10" across at least, and rather nice looking to be honest. Lovely interlude :). Then we overslept a bit, and made it back just in time for M to head to work. I got my bikeride in at noon, and am a bit burnt as a result.

Back to the fall and what's next ... I've been really pulling away from wanting to coach for the last few months, babbled about it before with no answers, and have rather enjoyed having 2 clients on hiatus and only one active one for the last month. A truly lazy-feeling summer, despite a few weekend trips as we take full advantage of having a car. (A car mind you that needed new brakes/discs/CV joint last week ... we're splitting costs with the owner, but ouch.) The last time I had the "want to let it lapse" feeling strongly, I got 3 new clients in a month without doing anything. This time? I've gotten 3 requests to work with other coaches and mom-sites, one to do audio recording, one to be a guest writer and panel discussion speaker, and then one today that's for a possible panel discussion slot at a huge WAHM conference in the fall. Pursuing the things to see what the possibilities really are, but a little unsure. Once again, I did nothing and the things were dropped into my lap. God telling me to keep pursuing it? Not sure, but they are open doors for now so I'm looking into them. I did say I didn't want to do marketing and finding of clients, and these 3 things are all things that will drive traffic to my sites at the very least, if not get me clients. Hmm.

It did prompt me to put a new face on Sane Moms, as squarespace debuted a huge new upgrade and has lots of new features, and it went reasonably painlessly tho i haven't checked for broken links yet.

I'm getting stronger feelings about how I'd like to live, and what I don't want to continue with, and if coaching is to be a part of that in a formal way, then so be it. It certainly seems to be for now.

the running story

i should know better than to promise stories, but days later here it is :). sans capitals as i'm tired of the keyboard ...

i've talked here and there about running on this blog, and keep another blog over here that somewhat chronicles my running history. i've wanted to run the NYC marathon since 2005, when i went and watched it being run just 4 blocks from my house. we live at mile 8.5 or so of the route, and i was feeling queasy that morning from my pregnancy with fynn and so stayed home from church and sat on the curb and watched. for hours. the queasiness was forgotten as i watched thousands upon thousands walk, roll, amble, shuffle, pound, trot, and wheeze by.

the runners came in every shape and size and ability, and the looks on their faces were quite the study. i saw the joy, determination, competition, steadiness, and sometimes frustration and defeat scroll across their faces. i wanted in. i felt a tremendous pull to get out there and join the ranks, pushing myself to complete something that daunting. i'd always loved running, but never had the discipline to do anything with it. (more on that here, i won't repeat myself)

fast forward to last week, after 17 months of running regularly, two marathon lottery denials, and the realization that if i don't run it this year, i probably never will (for lots of reasons that i won't go into, like moving thoughts and possibly more kids and things like that). i'd decided to run it for charity, which would get me guaranteed entry into this year's race, provided i raise (for the 'cheapest' charity) $2500. Daunting at best, rather terrifying actually, but i looked at it as the price for running on 'my schedule'.

i looked at the various charities offering entry, and thought i'd just go with the Team for Kids, which is the biggest, requires 'only' $2500, and has a great support team. They are the charity arm of the NYRR, and serve lots of nyc kids with running programs to help keep them inspired, healthy, and out of trouble. Great cause, but not something that particularly hit home to me. but i wanted in, so was prepared.

then my friend S (a big supporter of my running) started chatting w/me online, and when i mentioned the charity aspect, his response caught me off guard. "Why do you think God thinks you need to do that right now?" i answered that I thought i needed to do it, and yes God had put that hurdle in the way of my plans. and then did some thinking. and a bit more thinking.

running has been MY thing since i started it last january. my time alone, my goal, my enjoyment. i've been blessed with health and the ability to do it, and have acknowledged that to God and asked that he let it stay that way. i love getting lost in my thoughts, in the push and pull of 'how much further', and feeling the ebb of my energy be replaced with the exhilaration of finishing, furthering, and feeling the edges of my abilities. when i've felt beaten down and at the end of my rope in the last year, i've let God know that he could take it away if he wanted, but i really really hoped he wouldn't.

so after that question, i started looking at the charity partners list. i'd discounted the main 3 charities as ones i couldn't really relate to, and saw the 'hole in the wall gang' that i'd noticed before, a foundation offering free camps for sick and disabled kids, founded by paul newman. i liked the idea, and having supported Make a Wish in the past, it felt familiar. They require you to raise $3000, which was a bit more daunting but not so very different from $2500, at least in relative terms! then i looked again, and one of the most 'wimpy' looking logos, visually at least, was the World Vision one, which i missed first time through. i've been on their mailing list in the past, and found their mission to care for the basic humanitarian needs of kids worldwide to be something i connected too. food, water, shelter, the things so many millions don't have. things i take for granted. their requirements? just raise $5000 by november 1st, and pay your own late entry fee of $525.

i felt drawn to them strongly, but the $5k hurdle was just too daunting. so i applied for team 'hole in the wall gang' and was put on their waiting list, and told i'd probably be in by next week. scary, exciting, and intimidating! then i emailed another friend, telling her of the 5k vs 3k dilemma, and told her what i'd done. she replied immediately and positively telling me that despite the 'price' tag, world vision was what she thought fit the best, and that i'd be amazed by what god could do. i sat on pins and needles, and then realized something. what i think is the answer to the question about what God thinks.

the running isn't mine, it's god's. he's blessed it, enabled it, and enjoyed it along with me. but making it all mine? not cool. it's his. and raising 5k to help feed and shelter incredibly needy kids? also his. his kids, his money, his deal. and in my mind, it makes the whole running thing shift over if i do it for worldvision.

so i am. i applied, was accepted, took myself of the team hole in the wall waiting list, and started shaking. it means i'm signed up to run, a shake-worthy event after 2.5 years of hoping and 17 months of running and some inkling of what training i still have to do. it also means i have to raise $5525 dollars, or have it come out of my bank account in November, and that is equally shake-worthy. joy and terror at the same time, a feeling i'm a bit familiar with. it makes my running take on a new meaning, and adds a lot to my enjoyment. i did 12 miles this morning in the heat and sun, running from battery park up to 77th and back, while Opa watched my boys.

it felt great ... i'm on my way :). prayers certainly appreciated, and donation buttons will of course pop up once i get more info. i've got some other ideas on how to raise some of it, but will start with that for now. i'm SO looking forward to it!

I love to make things

I love projects. Making them up, figuring out how to craft them, and then getting my hands dirty, desk messy, and mind lost in the process. I've been a part of OMSH's Color Me Happy Swaparooni group for a year now, and it's been a great way to get myself back in project mode. (Yes, back into, that means I've been out of it and I'm getting to that ...) You get partnered with a swap buddy, given a theme (like organizational stuff, blue/green summer stuff, tote bags, pink and brown, etc) and you have 3 weeks or so to find/make something(s) for your partner within that category. You trade likes/dislikes, blog urls, and whatever else will help the other person figure out what you might like.





The theme this month was organization, and my swap buddy and I realized quickly that we're a LOT alike, and so it was a piece of cake this time! We both made things we'd like ourselves, and gave them to the other. We both had rafts of unorganized recipes from the internet, and so went to town. And maybe overboard? I think I made her enough binders to house 5oo recipes so she should be good for awhile :). But I liked the binders, had (and took) lots of pictures to use, and love cutting things out, double stick tape, and spray glue. We're talking industrial double stick tape, I scored a roll of the kind used to stick fabric to metal cube walls back in my cubicled days, and am still using it up.


She made a recipe binder for me too, and included pre-made tabs, some of her favorite tried-and-true recipes, CHOCOLATE!, and a fun magnetic to-do-to-buy list for the fridge.

As I sat on the steps this morning, eating cheese nips with Fynn after grocery shopping, I realized something. I don't want to work anymore. Work as in ... find clients, feel stressed about clients, write notes for and schedule clients, and hunt for babysitters in order to talk to said clients. I wrote a bit ago about not being in love with coaching anymore (buried in this post) and that thought has been simmering. I thoroughly enjoy coaching when I actually DO it, and love it when the client accomplishes something new and exciting and big for them. I get bored if their goals aren't exciting to me in some way, and that gets hard. And the business end of things? For the birds. But there aren't enough 'finishes' involved to make me thrilled, especially when it comes to me personally.

I LOVE building things. Starting things. Finishing things that can be finished. But keeping them going? Not so much. Only in the fellowship and community sense. I loved doing the race last fall, as stressful as it was. I loved building the SaneMoms website. I love building other people's websites. I don't really like maintaining them. Tweaking them. Keeping them running, motivated, and humming along.

I loved living in and working on my own house for seven years. Building patios, painting, gardening, wiring and planning and sanding and cutting and all those dusty and satisfying things. I could have worked harder, and yes my enthusiasm flagged after awhile and Dad kept me going and held his tongue (he was the brains and most of the financing behind the project) but it was still incredibly fun. And during the process? I had a place where people could come, hang out, do whatever, talk, eat, socialize, sing, play games, swing in the hammock, learn to took, learn to drive, have snowball fights and water fights, throw a frisbee, wield a hammer or a paintbrush, and just plain BE. I had an open door, virtually 24/7, and it was a wonderful thing.

I miss that. The work, the open door, the project, and the fellowship. Building things, tangible and living both. I have a lot of fellowship built in now, with my family, but it's not the same kind, and something is missing. I need to have a place I can paint, dig, rebuild, change, mess up, rebuild again, and someday live in. My kids need it too, something besides a beautiful and expensive brownstone that isn't ours. My hobbit house might be a ways away, but I can start small. I have a mini library of house-building-sustainable-living books, and the knowledge that I need to work with my hands more. Making THINGS. Things people can love, use, eat, enjoy, handle, and find comfort in. I need to reassess my coaching and sanemoms both, and figure out how they fit it, and what's best. I'm tired of feeling the friction between working on them, and spending time with my kids. One fights the other, and they both need me still. Need my real attention, energy, and focus. D loves projects himself, we just need to find shared or compatible ones. F loves wrecking them, watching, imitating, and laughing. Making the music. Finding the pieces. Putting away.

It's time to build. God help me with the plans. Please.

in a twist

not sure what's up, but i got all bent out of shape last night. a phone call to a friend here in the 'hood made me realize that running this week will be a huge challenge (she's not free at all, though we made cramped plans for her to drop off her jogging stroller for me to use) and I'm still hunting for a sitter for tomorrow. i have one more friend to try, and am waiting on another to respond. i could reschedule the client for a phone call later in the day, but hope not to if I can avoid it. going full tilt back into the 'real world' is a bit of a shock.

we did some flea-mkt-therapy this morning, and the boys got new-generation collapsible cups to play with while I netted a huge leather shoulder bag/purse thing that was bought in Rio, and could easily carry a one-year-old if I put it over my shoulder like a sling. why i gave in, i don't know, just silly impulse and it was cheap and nice leather. we'll see.

i feel like i'm losing all my running momentum and i hate that feeling, but can't do much about it at the moment. treadmill running at the gym is ok as a partial substitute, but really doesn't do the same thing at ALL as running free outside, at least for me.

i think the unknown is still a big part of it all. subletting during the summer, how to get around while we're there, surviving the next 7 weeks, entertaining b next weekend (not your typical houseguest), keeping the kids entertained, finding a sitter, just a pile of things I find hard when I'm not getting much downtime.

i had dreams last night in which i was in a house i didn't recognize with my parents and someone else i'm not sure who, and i got so frustrated i ran out of the house, slammed the door, ran into a field and started screaming. they eventually came out looking for me (i think my brother did?) and i ignored them till i was somewhat composed again, and then came back towards the house. i woke up feeling a bit relieved for the screaming, but not any closer to figuring things out.

disappointed, and stuff ...

i guess i'll start with the disappointment washing over the house. my sister, en route here with her 4 boys for a week of fun and distraction and fellowship, called to say their transmission just blew in Wheeling, WV, and the repairs will take too long and be too expensive to finish the trip here. disappointed is a mild word. i've no doubts god is allowing it but the reason totally escapes me of course. it bites. (thankfully a call to the sitter i've been using, and had given the week off due to the company, resulted in "sure I'm free" and so I'm covered again for my clients.)

i was already a mess today after a phone call last night that got me thinking about relationship stuff that i don't feel free to blog about really. sorry. just stuff about what it is and isn't and how it functions. i hide stress pretty well, but not as well as i used too, and while i thrive on it in certain amounts, going overboard makes me crazy. i'm usually all right so long as i get chances to be alone or run or vent once in awhile, but they're few and far between lately, and the added responsibilities take a real toll. then a phone call that makes me think about stuff i have 'stuffed' and i end up a mess. i know that not being able to run outdoors (and briefly indoors) for this last week isn't helping, and neither is pms, but there it is.

Contrasts

We went to the park today after school. We'd arranged a playdate as J's mom had stuff to do, and both boys were thrilled. Rather than corral them in the little park next to school, chasing Fynn every 2 seconds, we went to the big park down the street (FG) and hung out next to the big rock. It took half an hour of playing with sticks, stones, bark, etc (all great fun) before the high school kids left the rock long enough for the boys to take over. It's about 7 feet tall but climbable, which they finally did to their heart's content. Dropping stale popcorn bits over the side, sliding down, feeling big and important and a bit scared ... all good.

It was a much better day than yesterday, where everything that could go wrong seemingly did. I won't gripe, but it rather sucked. We all, however had very good sleep and things seemed so much better today. Perhaps that was the main reason, but I caught trains just barely today, made D's poetry assembly for just long enough to see him perform and then make it to class. Relaxed at class as no one showed up :) and then off to Salvation Army for an armload of spring clothes for under $20. I love thrift stores in the city. Honestly, where else can I come home with an Oscar de la Renta silk skirt for $8? Of course the lack of fitting rooms made me take a chance on it, only to find that my thighs, YES, my thighs are just barely too big for it. Not my waist or hips. I think I can genuinely say this is a byproduct of running, never having had that problem ever before.

The one highlight of yesterday? Finding a nanny! Whee. She came over, loved the kids, seemed laid back, responsible, fun, direct, and she has a son just a few months older than Douglas. She starts right after spring break, which is next week ... and I can't wait. The plan is still to go to MA to see M, but haven't figured out the car/transportation issue yet, waiting on word from friends as to car status. My friend B called today, asking when it would be good to come for a week to get away for a bit ... and she's coming the exact days we're gone ... yay for Dominic and apartment sitting! Won't get to see her much :( but she'll get the time she needs, and we get a loved-on cat and happy apartment when we get home. Yay for that.

The link I posted yesterday to what's becoming called the Hobbit home? Haven't stopped thinking about it. Sent photos by mail to M with a request that we build one, will see how he responds. The sudden connection I made to it was rather overwhelming. Been questioning today how much am I passionate, and about what? Been feeling the lack of passion for coaching, even as business picks up. I love it when I do it, definitely, but don't miss it when I don't. I miss working with my hands, touching dirt, building something bigger than I can do myself, and more that I can't articulate yet.

So, in the absence of thoughts, a few more pics from today.

Watching popcorn roll, wearing his medal from the Run for the Moms last year.

He's almost always laughing ...

Another tulip tree on the way from school to home ... finally remembered my camera.

More pics here ...

delay

M discovered on Saturday that april 1 was tomorrow ... and he didn't have to leave until then. yay! one extra day to sort things out. I've been a bit of a wreck, and couldn't put my finger on why other than the fact that we'll miss him. realized finally this morning that i needed some kind of acknowledgment of what he was asking me to do (take solo responsibility for weeks on end, give up alone time, etc ...) and he formally did so. feel much much better, perhaps i'm a stickler for protocol? i'm willing to give whatever is asked by him (i think) but hadn't been asked.

He'll be reachable while there as there's a regular phone line into the apt he's been assigned, thank god! the only one that has it :). he also has 2 twin beds and a queen, but since he only signed on for 2 months they're not sure if they can get it for the summer also (for us), but we shall see.

someday i'll tell the 'story of us' for those few of you that don't know it, but not today. it seems the impending separation has brought up lots of things relating to how our relationship is structured, and some of it is painful. seems to be the way of things.

the countdown

M leaves on Monday morning for the beginning of the MA job ... and we have no idea how many months of it he's going to take (at least 2) maybe up to 5. I've been getting done what I can, am squeezing in a race Sunday morning, and registered for a half-marathon in early May, so I'll HAVE to find ways to get runs in by begging and swapping kid-care. I'll do it all on the treadmill if I have to but that's not good training at all really for an urban run.

The kids know, well, make that D knows and Fynn is clueless. He'll be the hardest hit in some ways, he (fynn) is SO attached to his dad. I'm knowing I'm going to miss him, but not thinking about it as much as I can help it because it won't help me deal. Trying to come up with fun things to mark the time with the boys, like treats and convincing friends to come visit. Anyone up for a trip and free place to stay in NYC?! Company will be heaven in the next few months.

The things that make me realize I'm dreading it? And perhaps resenting it tremendously? ok, not perhaps, I am resenting it. I've had 2 dreams, the 2nd one this morning, in which M has been deliberately/casually cheating on me. And not hiding it at all. In both cases I've woken up furious. I have not a shred of fear that he has or will do such a thing in terms of fidelity, but art is his other wife. There's no doubt about it. And in this case it feels like she won.

It's not just about the good pay and references and connections he'll get, it's about wanting to go, do something he really enjoys, and make a bit of a name for himself. A chance to paint every night and batch it for a few months. He'll miss us badly I know, but not in the same way. I know most of the resentment comes from how it was decided, not the decision itself. We'd talked it over and agreed it wasn't a feasible idea. Then the project leader called to get his answer, and he blurted out that he'd come for 2 months at least, until school got out. I sat there listening, stunned and hurt. I do see now that it's a very good thing, and support it wholly, but part of me is still angry I guess.

The other downer I found out last night ... every cell phone company has coverage up there except ours (t-mobile). So for now there will be no way to communicate unless he borrows a phone. Perhaps he can get a regular pots line put in, or get cable internet and use skype (there's cable tv already) ... or just get a cell phone w/a different company for the duration of the project and let his current one lie dormant. Seems the cutting off is going to be more complete than I realized, at least for the short term.

To keep myself motivated, I'm plotting what projects I can get done before he gets back ... paint/grout the bathroom, get the yard trimmed up/planted, boxes sorted, things donated or hauled away, etc ... some of them things that are much harder if there are more people in the house. I can shower at the gym for a couple days while grout dries :). And we won't talk about how often my boys are bathed. Nope, we won't. More often than my sheets are changed, but that's not saying anything at all!

Speaking of showers, I do need one.

Oh, and there's a new thing growing in my sidebar (not the ads that have been there awhile, click away, click away!) that's a list of books. I'm starting to plot and scheme on a bigger project than I've ever taken on, but this would be a whole family/whole life kind of project. The list will grow, and already has big clues in it.

Last thing, I'm going to fix the Flickr badge, I am ... I treated myself to a Pro account, finally!!, and went organizing-happy over there.

defeated

He won. I gave in Saturday night, feeling utterly defeated and spent. (I'm referring to this, which hasn't been solved.) I've been listening, but not bending. Just waiting, tense, to see what will come.

I'd been too depressed to write or really function much on Friday and Saturday. Saturday night I was making dinner, cut my finger open twice in 10 minutes, and fell apart. overwhelming emotion was utter and complete defeat. i slowly realized i've still been trying to do it all under my own steam for the last umpteen years, only asking for help when it's big. i want credit for what i accomplish that way, and he gets it for the miracles. somehow? that just doesn't work. at all. my ego has to go out the window. entirely. i'm NOTHING without Christ. nada. and that finally sunk in. we shall see, could have many implications in how i coach, live, etc but i feel a huge relief. i don't want to fight anymore. ironically i feel a lot more able to be myself, use my skills, etc and not worry about being proud in it. it's only because of Him. my desires and hopes are still there, but I'm at peace as to how to pursue them, or not.

we baptized both the boys yesterday also, had been planning to for a couple months and the day was just right. D was very excited by it, and pleased. Will see if he takes it to heart or not.

Wrestling

Been fighting god on accepting things in general ... that's been pretty obvious from my cranky posts. Holding on to what i consider the 'bare minimum' and telling him not to mess with it. (in other words and actions, but basically what I was doing).

He's removed just about every support in the last few weeks. Income, childcare, Michael's show, and so on. The one thing I "had" was running. I'm a clock-based runner, meaning I use a training watch (lovely expensive Garmin GPS one that was a gift from a friend) and track everything by it. I compete against myself, and love it. Well, it up and stopped working Sunday for absolutely no reason. I sat down with the manual last night to no avail, nothing worked. Checked the gift receipt, and the 1 year warranty expired 2 weeks ago. Website said $80 to fix it, which is a joke at this point having not even paid rent yet! Went to bed depressed and mad at God for taking that away. I can still run, sure, but the competitive joy was gone.

Ran this morning, wrestling him and in tears most of the way. Realized I HAVE to give it ALL up (not just the stuff I "preached" about in the newsletter yesterday!). ALL of it. Let him give me whatever he wants, but not assume rights to anything. No bare minimum. Whatever he gives will be more/above/beyond what I can imagine. I might lose my marathon dream, my privacy and need a boarder, have to move, leave NYC, MBV might not get a show, lose my health ... the list goes on. I can't demand any of it. I just have to accept and enjoy. I have goals, don't get me wrong, but I can't insist on them as my right. Called Garmin 20 minutes ago, just in case they could tell me something the manual couldn't. Told them I'd had it 'about a year'. (very true ...) Went through the checks and was told I'd have to send it in. As he was collecting info I said "is this a warranty repair, or a paid one?" ... "Oh, we'll just cover it for you." and went on collecting his info. Thank you God!

Squeezing

Feeling a bit like I can't breathe again today, and have this voice playing over and over in my head every time I start to freak out. be still and know that i am god.

trying, I am, though it's hard. things feel like they're about to come crashing down around my ears.

i should be party planning for the boy who turns 6 tomorrow, but there's not a smidgen of budget for that. he did get a great present today, courtesy of a gift card his dad had squirreled away from his own birthday. Perhaps i will regret getting a power tool for a 6-year-old?! His dad's suggestion of course. A toolbox full of his own tools, wood glue, etc, and a cordless drill with a full bit set. It's the smallest they have (7.5 volts) but you can still do plenty of damage with that to just about anything. When i repeated a friend's concern to M about what he could do to his little brother with it, he replied that he doubted he could drill through bone, F had a tough skull. thanks for the flippant reassurance.

will i ever be done nagging and correcting homework? changing poopy diapers? freaking about bouncing checks?

be still.

(ok, I'll try)

no, really ... be still. and know. that I. am God.

ok.

.......

am having a midlife crisis weekend, complete with tears, meltdowns, and exhaustion. mix in a few manic cleaning episodes and a treadmill run during d's first karate class at the Y, and you have a small taste. parenting issues mixed with bottoming out self confidence and image hangups, misplaced expectations (on husband vs god) and you have a rather potent cocktail.

i'd like one or two about now.

weekend realizations

i can, indeed, run farther than ever before, 7.5 miles to be exact

i'm angry a lot of the time, and it makes me tired

i don't know what i'm really angry about, or why it's there. things i can't accept? tired of struggling financially? nothing is very clear, except the simmering anger

being angry is bad for me and my family, and needs to go away

running makes me tired, in a way that makes me feel i've earned something

my husband can indeed get tired of my anger, and hang up on me

i miss 'dressing up' for meeting

i feel perpetually caught between wanting to enjoy my kids and the pressure to make money

Taking a break

I'm being forced into taking a break, as I can't seem to do so on my own. M and D leave at 8am tomorrow for a wedding in SC, and will be gone till Monday night. Fynn came home from the sitter w/a fever this afternoon, which climbed to 106 for a few hours. I was in an utter depression this afternoon about the race and lack of registrations, despite my gazillion flyers put up w/freezing hands and mangled tape, posts, articles, donations, etc ... it's been a ton of work so far and I've been looking at it as if the entire thing depends on my efforts. I seem to be ignoring the fact that God can choose to bless them or not. Time to lie low for a couple days and let go. It's not really up to me :). Newsletter this month was on vulnerability, and I seem to be feeling very much that way the last few days. M doesn't need to get a call while away that I've collapsed into a sobbing heap in the middle of the kitchen floor. I have some thinking to do this weekend, and am looking forward to the quiet.

Day 12 - Introspective

I got the feedback today from Fynn's homeopath as to why she'd chosen the remedy for him that she prescribed, and some of the commentary was on how linked he and I are. Some of the rationale was to do with the sense of identity and need for connection that she got from my descriptions. (If you're not familiar with homeopathy, it's based on temperments, energies, and essences, and they take an exhaustive history of your likes/dislikes, personality, reactions, dreams, and so on ...).

I felt a thunk of recognition when I read her e-mail, and it fits really well with where I'm at. I'm having 'trouble' weaning Fynn, which means I thought I was ready, and dropped 2 of his 4 daily feedings in the last week, but kind of hit a wall and don't want to go further, even though I want the freedom from it, at least in my head I do. Then there's the article I wrote just after he was born that talked about fellowship.

Holding my newborn son a couple of weeks ago, I was suddenly struck with the realization that a long-term hole in my heart was no longer empty. It wasn't the "wanting another baby" hole, it was the one shaped like "I want to be part of a community, and know and be known for what role I play." Until my early 20s that hole was filled by my church interactions, but things changed and my role was no longer a clear or satisfying fit for the longing I had. Enter Fynn, and a life with 2 kids, and suddenly I knew my role and feelings as a mother would never change, no matter what happens, and that my role in my immediate family was my most satisfying label.

I'm using him for my sense of belonging, and not the meeting anymore. While identity is good, I think I've got him too wrapped up in mine. Sure I'm his mom and that won't ever change, but I want him to need me and that's not good for either of us. I don't know how to put it really, other than that there's a piece of my spiritual identity that I'm relying on him for, and it doesn't feel right. I've been looking for a women's bible study recently, and think that might be a step in the right direction. I 'preach' on my new site about getting grounded in the morning, and I'm not doing it myself. Still not getting up in time to have time alone, and I need it desperately.

Thus endeth day 12.

Day 8 - I'm vibrating

.... with caffeine, excitement, adrenaline, and nerves, that is. (and what were you thinking?!) Why, you may ask? Because I finally got the permit approval today, giving me permission to get in over my head, work like a dog, and make a fool of myself ... or have a smashing success, however it works out.

It's a race. A 3k race. In my local park. Put on by me, and any sponsors I can drag in, to help launch my new website for moms. And to benefit a mom-kid-focused local charity. I have so much to do it's not funny, first in getting the site properly up and running (I'll be begging for help here in a week or so, in terms of posting to the boards, so be forewarned!). Not to mention planning a race, finding sponsors and prizes and vendors and marshalls and a timing company and and and ... my brain can't seem to slow down. I've been alternating between frantic activity and exhaustion, which is partly why I crashed so hard last night. I'd been getting depressed that the parks dept had promised me an answer, and then didn't come through with it for 10 days, while media deadlines were drifting by, and things like that.

As my sister pointed out today, despite my complaints, I love this kind of thing. Really. Lots to do, organizing galore, furious activity, and watching things slowly come together. The part I'm not good at, but will have to figure out, is how to ask for help. I've done better than normal at getting names and calling around for help, but in terms of asking literally for involvement ... that's where I falter. This thing, if it's to come off, is bigger than me. It's not as insane as my wedding (the craziest thing I ever planned, much more complicated than any trade show I organized back in the day, and they were bad ...) but it's still much larger than I can truly do myself.

If I had a hamster wheel illustration, I'd put it at the top, but I don't. How to keep moving, at a good pace, without driving everyone around me stark raving nuts? I've never been good at that. I always want people around me to just jump into my excited mode and work alongside, and it never works that way. Their excitement doesn't match mine, of course. Their passion.

I'm certainly glad to have found a piece of mine, though I live in fear of it petering out. What if this is just a whim that will fade? I don't know exactly what's driving it, although I've had suspicions. I do love putting people together, and finding fellowship. I love stories. I know I'm not the only mother who's struggled with her own identity since having kids. I'm tired of sites and blogs that talk endlessly and cheerily about how wonderful their kids/husbands/lives are. Don't get me wrong (or take offense if you happen to have one of those!) but it's not where I'm at I guess. I'm focused on the identity-ripping part of motherhood, and the issues it raises. Just another step from the identity-mucking-about that is marriage, and I didn't feel compelled to have a place for virtual strangers to talk about that. Somehow this is my thing.

I've felt passionately about mothers getting regular time alone since having my first. It's become my soapbox and I hardly ever find a mom who doesn't need it, or who doesn't struggle with guilt for wanting it. I'm sure they're out there, but I don't seem to run into them. I see moms in the park who have that look in their eyes. Not just the tired-exhausted-train-wreck look, along with the baggy sweats and black rims around their eyes. The I'm-barely-holding-in-my-terror-at-this-whole-thing and I-think-I've-lost-myself-in-the-shuffle look. I'm not imagining it. We somehow feel the need to hold it all together even for other moms, and that's just plain crazy. Sure we commiserate about baby blues and sleepless nights, saggy boobs and nigh-dead-romance, but we don't seem to talk about what's really going on in our heads during the crazy ride of motherhood.

That's a conversation I'm always interested in.

Passion

My last post feels like it was months ago ... there's been a lot happening around here. Somewhere in between the introspection and starting meeting with a coach of my own, I've found a passion I didn't know I had. I've been tossing around ideas for months that revolve around writing stories about motherhood, getting others to write theirs, and also how to take my soapbox of ALL Moms Need Alone Time and find it a wider audience. It's all been about how to make my coaching biz take off, which it hasn't to date, and I was pretty well in the dumps about it.

Things took off last week, and I've hardly had time to sleep. I designed and launched a new website based on the concept that All moms struggle to stay sane, and All moms have stories to share. And the two are connected ... the sharing helps the sanity. The site will go properly live (meaning promoted, etc) on Dec 15th, launched via hosting my own 3k race in Fort Greene Park, that will benefit the charity Room to Grow for disadvantaged moms. I've never put together anything remotely like it, only have 9, make that 8 weeks now to pull it off, and need to find a sponsor asap. But I'm having a BALL, and can't hardly sleep at night for the things swirling in my head.

I had a new experience today too, being a radio guest for the first time. Admittedly it was online radio, and we had 16 listeners, but it's a start! I feel like I'm finding my voice finally, when it comes to coaching, motherhood, and helping other moms. I don't have answers, but I'm finding ways to help bridge the lonliness that creeps in when you're a mom, especially a SAHM like I am.

I think I found a passion :)

We talked (M and I) too about the things we wanted to accomplish when we first got together, and the desires are still there, though a bit dusty and tired. Fellowship is a big part of it, both enabling it and offering it. In a small step in that direction was taken this week, by notifying our tenant that his month-to-month lease will end Dec 1st, and we'll get that gorgeous front room back! I miss that room, and cringe when I do have to go in there to get into the storage space ... I won't describe the mess/squalor in there, but it's always surprising to me as it seems at odds with the man who lives there. We may rent the room out for a week here/there to defray the lost rent, and that seems easy to do in this neighborhood. There are often people looking for places for relatives/family that come to visit, and other than a couple b&b's and a somewhat distant Marriott, there's nothing around here. I'm looking forward to this ...


... and looking forward to my bed with it's clean sheets, which I'll be crawling into very shortly, and hours earlier than any other day in the last 2 weeks. I need a recuperating night I think, as my body is showing many signs of 'crashing' as it's called around here, and I'm not up for that right now.

affected

I seem to be susceptible to movie influences these days, or perhaps it's because what I'm watching keeps touching on the idea of reinventing yourself, reawakening, or just plain 'cleaning your emotional house' which I'm doing some of. It's still the major part of 'meeting residue' cleaning going on I guess.

I watched Into the Wild last night, and ended up feeling rather suffocated and depressed. "Once", which I saw a couple weeks ago, produced a melancholy feeling. Both had strong elements of following something you're passionate about, whether it's music, a relationship, or shedding society's expectations. The joy of following your heart.

My husband decided to do just that, in taking a job next year for 4 months, that involves intense time/work in a museum in MA. He wanted to take the job from the very moment he heard about it, but we'd decided after quite a bit of discussion that it was just too complicated in terms of family, building management, and getting his own art done. Being immersed in creating art, albeit not his own, with other artists for 6 days a week, 3 weeks at a time, is intense. When he got the call that he had to make up his mind if he was in/out, I listened rather incredulously as he told them he was in for 4 of the 7 months offered, taking the summer off due to school being out. The passion to do it was apparently stronger than the decisions we'd made together, and the 'yes' came bursting out of him on the phone.

I'm muddling around now in the compromises and communications of marriage, and it's not a pretty week. It's hard being married to someone who has a passion, like art, that seems necessary for existence. He needs to create almost as much as he needs to eat. He withers visibly without it. As I don't have any comparable/defined passions like that and it's both hard to understand, and hard to balance. I've developed a pretty strong passion for getting daily, regular, time alone, but it's more a reaction to his than an innate need. Or is that true? I'm not sure. Perhaps it has more to do with the invasiveness of marriage on my psyche, and the responsibility of kids.

Signed,
The currently introspective muddler

Backyard Boys and That Thing

There seems to be this magic spot in the backyard where the light is perfect in the evening. I took full advantage of it on Sunday afternoon ... and here are about 1/4 of the pics I took. I need to edit them more, but haven't had the time.



I have issues with pictures of myself, you may notice the general lack of them. I'd rather be behind the lens. A friend posted a pic of me on facebook, several actually, and I only liked a couple of them. He gets good shots of me, but I have trouble having them out for public consumption. It's good for me to be uncomfortable that way I think.

I'm testing my feelings/limits/freedoms in the last couple months in a new way, as we stepped out of The Meeting 2 months ago. I alluded to it here, but wasn't ready to talk about it. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, especially the 'call my parents and tell them' part, knowing the incredible depth of their disappointment and sorrow over it. They've been remarkably gracious and non-guilt-tripping about it, which I'm thankful for.

The day we talked to the local assembly about it was the best time I've ever had there. An open, energetic discussion, much more agreement than I'd imagined, no acrimony/judgment at all, and we stayed for lunch ... a spontaneous first. I left there feeling absolutely exhilarated, free, and floating on air. The next week I crashed, going through the Telling the Parents part, and mourning the rift it puts between us. They won't ever treat or love me differently, but I don't believe the disappointment will ever go away. Given the 36 years I spent with the group, I do understand that.

I've been heading this direction slowly since I was about 20. With the first big 'split' that happened I started to really question the "we're the only place the Lord is in the midst (in a special way)" teaching, and reached the point several years ago where I couldn't stand it anymore. I'd started acting on my belief that the Lord could be in the midst of any believers who call on the Lord out of a pure heart, and felt a tremendous joy/guilt in it. Guilt in that I'd been told all my life it was wrong to have communion with anyone not 'gathered' like I was, but joy in sharing Christ with other friends. I can't draw the lines between us/them like I was taught, and am tired of tripping over them. I feel forced into withdrawing, though I'd rather just have fellowship with most of the group I left, when I felt led to, along with the other believers I run across who want to have fellowship. It's become something it wasn't when I was young, and something that I can't be a part of.

I'm incredibly happy with the decision, and feel free in ways I never thought I would. I'll probably drop in to the meeting in Addison when I'm there, to see many real friends, and the first time will probably be hard and emotional. But I have no regrets. The fellowship I have had in the last two months has been sweeter and more real to me than almost any in the last 10 years. I look forward to whatever is next. We have no desire to join another group whatsoever, and while that scares the part of me used to a 'ready-made' network, it's by far the healthiest thing at the moment.