well that was no fun

last night, i let dominic out for the first time since coming to MA. i figured he'd been here long enough, and could handle it, and i was tired of shooing him away from the door. so before his supper, i let him go, figuring he'd be back in a couple of hours.

to make a long story short ...

he didn't come back.

i cried.

a lot.

i imagined all sorts of things.

i assumed i'd never see him again.

i needed to cry a lot, had needed to for a long time.

he was found, wailing piteously under the deck below ours, almost 24 hours later.

i rejoiced.

i felt immensely better.

the end.

180's

Both my mood and her plans have done a 180, and boy am I relieved! Without going into all the details, they ARE coming, tonight, in their car instead of the minivan :). Her husband drove out last night to give it to them, and is towing the van back home behind a rental truck, to repair it when they can. YAY! I'm doubly relieved as I had a long and healthy conversation with M last night, one that's been brewing for awhile, and then made a serious enough dent in a bottle of wine while watching Pretty Woman (for the 43rd time) that I was somewhat hung over this morning. The relief from both of those things was tremendous, and I felt 500% better this morning heart-wise! Then the call from my sis saying they were coming was the icing on the cake, and I personally have no regrets about the delay though I never would have wished it that way.

My sitter is probably reeling from the "don't come next week as my sister will be here .... wait, no, you DO need to come as she's NOT coming after all .... ooops, no, now she IS coming so once again I don't need you" series of phone calls and messages.

HAPPY MOTHER's DAY!

I'm off to clean and grocery shop :)

Wrestling

Been fighting god on accepting things in general ... that's been pretty obvious from my cranky posts. Holding on to what i consider the 'bare minimum' and telling him not to mess with it. (in other words and actions, but basically what I was doing).

He's removed just about every support in the last few weeks. Income, childcare, Michael's show, and so on. The one thing I "had" was running. I'm a clock-based runner, meaning I use a training watch (lovely expensive Garmin GPS one that was a gift from a friend) and track everything by it. I compete against myself, and love it. Well, it up and stopped working Sunday for absolutely no reason. I sat down with the manual last night to no avail, nothing worked. Checked the gift receipt, and the 1 year warranty expired 2 weeks ago. Website said $80 to fix it, which is a joke at this point having not even paid rent yet! Went to bed depressed and mad at God for taking that away. I can still run, sure, but the competitive joy was gone.

Ran this morning, wrestling him and in tears most of the way. Realized I HAVE to give it ALL up (not just the stuff I "preached" about in the newsletter yesterday!). ALL of it. Let him give me whatever he wants, but not assume rights to anything. No bare minimum. Whatever he gives will be more/above/beyond what I can imagine. I might lose my marathon dream, my privacy and need a boarder, have to move, leave NYC, MBV might not get a show, lose my health ... the list goes on. I can't demand any of it. I just have to accept and enjoy. I have goals, don't get me wrong, but I can't insist on them as my right. Called Garmin 20 minutes ago, just in case they could tell me something the manual couldn't. Told them I'd had it 'about a year'. (very true ...) Went through the checks and was told I'd have to send it in. As he was collecting info I said "is this a warranty repair, or a paid one?" ... "Oh, we'll just cover it for you." and went on collecting his info. Thank you God!

.......

am having a midlife crisis weekend, complete with tears, meltdowns, and exhaustion. mix in a few manic cleaning episodes and a treadmill run during d's first karate class at the Y, and you have a small taste. parenting issues mixed with bottoming out self confidence and image hangups, misplaced expectations (on husband vs god) and you have a rather potent cocktail.

i'd like one or two about now.