Friday Musings

I've done nothing but post pics lately, and I have more waiting in the wings, but thought I'd babble a bit instead. Missed it, did you? Riiiight.

Been thinking a lot lately about what to do when this mostly idyllic summer is over, and I'm not sure what's next. We both really really want to get land and build something simple on it, but as the moolah to do so is in no way in evidence yet, there are hurdles to be passed. Lowering our expenses once we return to Brooklyn for starters (another tenant most likely ... big sigh) and figuring out what income we need and where we want to settle.

The house we were at last night (returning G and D's visit to their summer quarters just an hour south of us) helped cement the desire to build from stone, near water. They are staying in a converted stone barn on a huge acreage tucked into some forest, next to a pond and river. The stone walls, pine floors, and light and space was wonderful. We ended up spending the night, and slept in one of the upper bedrooms with windows thrown wide to hear the frogs and crickets and rushing water. I was, however, fully awakened at 3am (after half waking up at 2:3o when Michael crawled in) by something thumping around the room, loudly. It sounded like a rat or squirrel, and my first thought was that one was getting into the bread in my bag on the side table. Michael fumbled for the light, to be greeted by a large bat flying frantically around the small room. (The wide open windows were screened, I'm not sure how or when he got in.) I let Michael dance around, take out screens and try to shoo him, and watched from my perch mostly beneath the covers. Conveniently, he swooped out into the hall, then back into the room, but clonked himself on the door and fell straight into the empty bowl that was propping the door open :). Michael slapped the screen he was brandishing down over the bowl, we looked at and admired him for a bit, and then tossed him out the window. He was a good 10" across at least, and rather nice looking to be honest. Lovely interlude :). Then we overslept a bit, and made it back just in time for M to head to work. I got my bikeride in at noon, and am a bit burnt as a result.

Back to the fall and what's next ... I've been really pulling away from wanting to coach for the last few months, babbled about it before with no answers, and have rather enjoyed having 2 clients on hiatus and only one active one for the last month. A truly lazy-feeling summer, despite a few weekend trips as we take full advantage of having a car. (A car mind you that needed new brakes/discs/CV joint last week ... we're splitting costs with the owner, but ouch.) The last time I had the "want to let it lapse" feeling strongly, I got 3 new clients in a month without doing anything. This time? I've gotten 3 requests to work with other coaches and mom-sites, one to do audio recording, one to be a guest writer and panel discussion speaker, and then one today that's for a possible panel discussion slot at a huge WAHM conference in the fall. Pursuing the things to see what the possibilities really are, but a little unsure. Once again, I did nothing and the things were dropped into my lap. God telling me to keep pursuing it? Not sure, but they are open doors for now so I'm looking into them. I did say I didn't want to do marketing and finding of clients, and these 3 things are all things that will drive traffic to my sites at the very least, if not get me clients. Hmm.

It did prompt me to put a new face on Sane Moms, as squarespace debuted a huge new upgrade and has lots of new features, and it went reasonably painlessly tho i haven't checked for broken links yet.

I'm getting stronger feelings about how I'd like to live, and what I don't want to continue with, and if coaching is to be a part of that in a formal way, then so be it. It certainly seems to be for now.

ah well

they didn't take fynn's picture, printer wasn't cooperating and fading ink meant it wasn't contrasty enough. gave up until we get to MA. can't imagine the lines there will be as long as here! hot, sticky, and getting things done slowly ... got the car picked up! have more packing/putting away to do, lasagne to make and freeze (how else will i use up a huge tub of ricotta and mozarella before we go?)

off to nap, up late talking with my dear cousin R and SO glad for her help this weekend! then more packing, and more packing ... it never does seem to end. trying to look at the house from the perspective of strangers, and wonder what will interest them and what they'll never notice or comment on. got a pseudo fix in the bathroom 'rotten' corner, should hold till we get back. never thought i'd be screwing old plastic cutting board into the crumbly drywall remnants, but it 'looks' ok! recaulked the tub for the 3rd time, hoping it's the charm? scrubbed w/bleach and blew a fan on it all night, hoping it was a moisture issue. either way it's all that will be done on it before we go. down to one computer/monitor to sell, and hope to have them gone by tomorrow. need to find a mattress still, though i suppose if we don't they'll survive the ancient one that D sleeps on now. it's pretty bad though.

off to nap ...

i ran a 10k yesterday morning, as the heat-wave was hitting. did my best time ever of 57 and change, not bad for 80+ degrees and climbing! learning more and more about staying aware of my body, and regulating my pace based on my hydration and heat levels. good info to tuck away for marathon time. realized too that i need to pick a charity to run for that i actually believe in, not just the easiest one. have to do some digging there.

in the quest to simplify things digitally, i spent much of today eliminating outlook, on my way to eliminating ms office altogether with openoffice instead. I can't afford the upgraded software anyhow, and we're consolidating all the computers down to one, so it seemed easier. i've got all but one of michael's accts working, as well as all mine, so that's pretty good progress.

douglas went to the yankee's opener today with a friend whose dad had free tickets, and i was told he was so intent on the game, and the thought of catching a fly ball, that he wouldn't leave his seat! he came home with a free bat thanks to it being kids day or some such thing, and entertaining descriptions of the hitter and thrower :).

it's pretty beastly hot, though with fans in every room and the house closed up it's not too bad. i get a bit claustrophobic though. it's a cool 75 at 11pm, and I'm beat.

i feel like a cat

in lieu of talking about my current mental stew, the subject of hair comes to mind. my hair, in the spring, reminds me of a cat. my scalp gets dry, my hair oily no matter how much i wash it, and it seems to fall out in chunks. i'm tired of fishing it out of combs, off shirts, the shower drain, and off the counter or out of bowls when i cook. ugh. i swear i should wear a hair net, and could weave a nice white blanket (for the cat a least) from all the grey/white hairs i've found. it feels a bit like I'm shedding my winter coat, and i sure would enjoy curling up on a sunny windowsill and just staring at the birds for awhile.

i gave D a haircut a couple days ago, and he hurriedly ran around collecting chunks of it from the floor before I vacuumed, and put it in a jar. why he's saving it i haven't asked, and am not sure i want to. perhaps because his father collects every bit of cat hair he combs out of dominic and puts it in a jar? likely connection. i've asked why on that one too, and have no satisfactory answer.

fynn is the only haircut-less one in the house, and though D got his first cut just before his second birthday, and fynn is practically eating his bangs, i'm not ready to chop his yet. i haven't gotten enough pics in his flickr hair group yet. or something.

why is it ...

... that when I sit at the computer with my chin in my hand, and feel a zit or two, it prompts me to go immediately and eat yet another piece of chocolate, which I know prompted the zits in the first place?

i detest hunting for childcare ...

I thought we were done with this for awhile, but apparently not ... the sitter I found just last month, who was perfect in every way, just told me today, very apologetically, that her freelance work is starting up again unexpectedly, so she can't keep watching fynn. i do trust that something will work out, but it was rather demoralizing as that's my only link to taking clients and getting anything done at the moment! i started putting messages out right away, will see what comes of it.

in other news, M should have a phone by wednesday! yay for communication.

my first demo class for group coaching (spring session) is tomorrow, but I have no expectations as I did only one email to a bunch of listservs late last week. i hope to do more this week, and put some notices up, and see what happens. it forced me to put some materials together anyhow!

adjusting

it's been a hard week. yesterday was the worst i think, hitting the 5 day mark and a solo weekend day without schedule. we missed him more then. friday night was great, with D and i staying up late to play scrabble while fynn went to bed at the usual time. we put it aside around 9, and finished it saturday during fynn's nap. it's amazing to me to have a child old enough to sit down and play scrabble with! he did amazingly well for a barely 6-year-old, and caught on quickly. i pitched in and helped some, but he had a word almost every turn, and got creative in how he put them on the board. the silly factor increased as we went on, with crazy words and suggestions :). a lot of fun.

i discovered that the Y has babysitting on saturdays also, so fynn got to go to the playroom while d was in karate class, and i had an hour to spend writing/thinking/on the phone. too short a time to change/workout, it just gets annoying. i called my friend T in michigan, who i haven't talked to in ages upon ages. had to, as her cat featured prominently in my dream the night before. very strange.

i was walking down a windey road into a valley, and found my friends M and E&M living in trailers near each other in the middle of the grassy valley. talked to M, waved to E&M, and walked back up the road, using my cell-phone for light, it was super dark by then. met my mom/dad in a minivan, driving around looking for T's old white cat named Lily, which they'd lost (she has cats, but none named lily in real life). i was bothered that they'd lost her, and helped look. they gave up and started home. i stopped outside a little cafe/roadhouse at the top of the hill, and saw a white cat's tail, severed, stuck to the ground by itself. i was horrified, realized it was Lily's. Then I saw her, by the cafe door, wolfing down food that the owners had put out in case she showed up. I grabbed her, holding her tight so I could take her back to T. Her tail was of course missing, but the spot looked healed and not the least painful. all very strange.

so I called T, told her about it, and had a great chat :)

i felt pretty lonely saturday, and was gearing up to watch a movie after the boys were in bed when S, my old roommate called, and wanted to come hang out. yay for adult company!! wine and cheese and pistachio ice cream along with real conversation and estrogen and all that :). i dragged myself to bed at 1am, knowing i had to get up at 7, wake the boys and haul them to my friends house so she and i could go on a long run before her husband had to go to work. that we did, and 9 miles later I felt wonderful. i love both the running, and the after-effects. home to more time with S who had crashed on the couch, and life feels livable again if not perfect. hoping Fynn wakes up in time to hit the new flea market down the street.

Squeezing

Feeling a bit like I can't breathe again today, and have this voice playing over and over in my head every time I start to freak out. be still and know that i am god.

trying, I am, though it's hard. things feel like they're about to come crashing down around my ears.

i should be party planning for the boy who turns 6 tomorrow, but there's not a smidgen of budget for that. he did get a great present today, courtesy of a gift card his dad had squirreled away from his own birthday. Perhaps i will regret getting a power tool for a 6-year-old?! His dad's suggestion of course. A toolbox full of his own tools, wood glue, etc, and a cordless drill with a full bit set. It's the smallest they have (7.5 volts) but you can still do plenty of damage with that to just about anything. When i repeated a friend's concern to M about what he could do to his little brother with it, he replied that he doubted he could drill through bone, F had a tough skull. thanks for the flippant reassurance.

will i ever be done nagging and correcting homework? changing poopy diapers? freaking about bouncing checks?

be still.

(ok, I'll try)

no, really ... be still. and know. that I. am God.

ok.

the roller coaster

yesterday was a great day ... started off at 6:30 with a run, and got my printer fixed (finally!) just in time to print off a proof of the postcards for michael's show, so he could take them along and show them to the gallery owner who was coming to check out his studio. they ran off and I did a whole bunch of little things that I can't even remember. but felt good about :).

they showed up at the house, unannounced, while i was just getting ready to finally get in the shower and rinse off my running stink. the house was a wreck from fynn's morning fun (buttons all over the floor, stale cereal, toys on every surface, clothes all over the bathroom floor, etc ...) and he stayed for an hour looking at more work and talking! nice guy, very realistic and honest, and left with the promise he'd think it over and get back to m. the deal being that he has lots of work, but not a lot that visually 'fits' together as a show. he had 8 pieces that he thought would work, but wanted to check with a curator he works with.

then i got another trial session request on my coaching site, the 2nd in two days after none for ages. very relieved! i think changing my landing page and reworking my prices/offerings have both made a huge difference in people 'getting it' at a glance, and being willing to give it a try knowing that the pricing is highly affordable. (well, for them, not me!)

i stayed up researching media contacts, m wrote out an artist's statement, and we crashed.

this morning i opened one of my travel-deal-newsletters and clicked on one of them as usual, looking for deals to go to chicago for s's wedding in 2 weeks. we've been given money from a couple people to help with costs, but it wasn't quite enough to cover the price of 3 tickets and we have not a penny to add to it. i found rates $40/lower per ticket than I'd seen in the last 2 months, ran to the bank and deposited/moved money, and ran home in time to complete the transaction before it timed out :). yay! tickets to chicago for all of us. m hasn't been for a year or more i think, and it's time. so glad i won't be flying solo w/the boys, fynn is so mobile and having him in a lap for 3.5 hours isn't a fun thing at all, no matter how many distractions!

then m and i traded cat-naps before he left for the studio. i got up from mine to find a very disappointed m with news that the show was off. he's still promised one, but not until he has a more cohesive body of work. he learned a lot about how to navigate, and it means that there's actually a chance to do proper PR and get the media potentially involved when it does happen, but it feels crappy none-the-less. Rather tantalizing to have it so very close, but not. it's hard to go back to the friends and coworkers you've told, and 'untell' them. it's hard to know what to say, if anything, when he feels down and is looking for ways to deal and move on. men process emotions so differently and at times i'm at a total loss.

I've stopped doing PR research, watched him off to the studio to paint, and am about to dive headlong in to tax info gathering in the hopes that we might get a return from an e-file in time to partially salvage the finances.

distractions

things have settled down a bit, at least emotionally. i distracted myself well today, resulting in some feelings of accomplishment at least!

michael got a new website. at last!! i designed his last one for a birthday gift about 7 years ago I think? it's still hidden here for a few more days, but that will disappear soon. getting the journal properly ported over was easy, but getting the links fixed? ugh! between his penchant for naming files with lots of spaces, and the different ways he uploaded photos (and my lack of forethought) it was rather a pain. holler if you find anything missing or mucked up! he loves getting comments of course :) he's off at the studio again to work on getting stuff together for the show, I'm sure I'll be throwing together a postcard tomorrow as soon as he gets pics to me and approval from the gallery owner.

side note: watching the academy awards out of my left eye, and so far my favorites rock! marketa and glen are singing falling slowly (a bit dressed up, but the same thrashed guitar :), and marion cotillard just won best actress for her amazing portrayal of edith piaf in la vie en rose, a movie i loved. michael sang an edith piaf song at our wedding. fabulous movie too. hoping the once crew gets it for best song. (edited to add ... they did :)

ran again today, as well as a thirty minute speed run on the treadmill yesterday (after taking forever to figure out how to work the thing!) did 5.5 miles despite a lack of sleep and the most draining day of my period :). felt good. really good in fact, that i wasn't totally drained in the end, but still had energy and could have gone a lot farther. never could have said that even 2 months ago.

distractions can be good. i still have things to figure out. the fact that the finances are rather it the toilet isn't helping the overall stress levels, and is rather testing my faith at the moment.

The weekend

It was a good one. A long one. And an exhausting one.

Saturday I took D to a birthday party for one of his classmates, who recently moved out to the boonies (read: the very last stop on the subway that goes out into Queens near JFK). It was to start at 12, and as most kiddie parties are 1.5 to 2 hours long I did my best to arrive on time. We got there at 12:15 after a mad morning scramble to get the farmers' market shopping done, as well as buy and wrap a gift.

We were the first arrivals, and the mom was adding balloons to a perfectly 'manicured' and decorated apartment. I mean decorated ... every doorway, ceiling, table, and surface was either spotlessly clean, or covered with pink princess stuff. M, the birthday girl, was in a cute princess dress and had her hair done up. Her 3-year-0ld brother was also dressed up, and D was in his "Ape that lives in a canyon" costume, complete with cape, beaded collar, belt, and light saber. I'm sorry I failed to document it, it was pretty good though I have no idea how an ape comes into it! They settled down right away to room showing, trains, and lego. The mom had vast pots of homemade soup on the stove, just in case people came in cold. I had some, along with samples from the huge chip trays and grape platter.

As she rushed in/out bringing an ice cream cake, more pop, pies, and who knows what else, a few more kids/moms trickled in. Four other kids from their class were soon running up/down the hallway and getting underfoot. The mom continued to rush around, and eventually disappeared to take a shower. By the time she got out and dressed, paid for the 6 pizzas that were delivered, made a salad, cranked up super-loud techno music and turned on the gigantic flat-panel TV, the party appeared to be underway. It was 1:45pm, about when I'd expected to be gathering coats to leave!

The women kind of gathered around the kitchen and she commenced to share the sordid tale, in great detail, of her recently-separated husband and his exploits and habits, along with his total lack of interest in the kids. There were two other single moms in the group, so the discussion was lively and full of advice and sympathy. She's a super over-achiever in my book, but I can really relate in some ways. She's Cambodian, and says that it's truly cultural to take care of every little thing possible for your spouse and kids, treating them like kings. She'd done this for nine years, along with providing financially for everything. She leaves her house at about the time my boys wake up in the morning, takes a train and bus and walks to deliver kids to school and a sitter, takes the train into the city for work, and repeats it in reverse at night, arriving home somewhere after 7pm. Then the whole homework/dinner/housework routine.

I was exhausted listening to her, and felt sympathy. I also felt it a bit of a wakeup call as to my own overachieving tendencies, or desire to have it ALL thank you very much.

More people arrived around 3, the cake was FINALLY cut and devoured at 4:30, and we caught a ride home from friends in the neighborhood. My ears were a bit worn out between the music and the talking, and I was ready to crash.

Before I crashed, I sent M to the studio to work on his art overnight, and asked that he get home in time for me to run Sunday afternoon, and then have a date.

..................................
Sunday when he got home I was napping, and feeling sniffly and tired still. I tried hard to find excuses to not go running, but eventually ran out of viable ones and got out the door. I'm finding the statement that long-distance running is more than 50% a mental game to be very very true. The negative self-talk that springs up is amazingly consistent! How can I possibly run any farther than last week? What if it makes me sick? My ankle hurts. I'll get stuck too far away from home and be too tired to walk back. I'll have to use the bathroom too many times. I'll get dehydrated and the fountains aren't on ... yadda yadda yadda. You get the idea.

I escaped, started my run, and talked myself through about 40 little points of wanting to quit or give up, and ended up getting in 9.5 miles in 1:32. The thought of running for over an hour and a half was so laughable just 4 months ago that it's hard to imagine. That was more than 1/3 of a marathon :). It felt absolutely wonderful.

Then the day was capped off with a date with my husband, including a visit to his studio (first time in over a year I think), getting to see his latest painting that's about our relationship, some fabulous sushi, a visit to our old roommate S in the east Village, and then a 2.5 mile long hunt, at midnight, for the crab rangoon that I was craving. We passed umpteen japanese restaurants, McD's, Dunkin Donuts, and Starbucks that were still open, but not one single chinese joint. And we went thru the village, circled Union Square, and up as far as 20th street. Go figure. I sadly settled for some horrible Taco Bell (scary at 1am with a girl puking in the garbage bin and a *really* horrible bathroom. We ended up with a cab home as I was literally staggering with exhaustion by that point.

A good weekend :)

cheerful

in an attempt to cheer myself up, I wore these yesterday, and the day before. kinda worked.

yesterday was pretty blog-worthy, but not sure if my finger is up to all the typing.

a pretty cool thing happened friday night. while talking to the homeopath i'd gone quite a bit into past friendships, the meeting/church division and how it affected me, and how i felt about it all. i'd mentioned always wondering what happened to many of the friends i lost touch with, asking friends for updates whenever i could, and so on. Then about 7-8 years ago i went to a huge funeral for a young girl i'd known before the split, and ran into 4-5 girls my age who i hadn't seen since the split, but had spent lots of time at camp and conferences with. i was thrilled to see them, but found not one shred of answering interest or connection.

it devastated me in a way, that my hope that others still cared was 'proven' untrue. I didn't take into consideration until 4 days ago, when talking to my husband, that perhaps their distance was due to the fact that i was still part of 'the meeting' at that point and therefore assumed to be strict, judgemental, and so on. i was clueless, just terribly disappointed.

when telling the homeopath about this, i had one girl, VK, in my mind. her name was escaping me at that point, so i talked about R and C instead. she was at that funeral as i recall. after dinner friday night, when checking my email, i saw i had a new friend request from Facebook. From VK herself, who I had no idea was on there. Mentioning in her request that she didn't think she'd seen me since we were about 16 at Lassen or something like that.

Amazing timing, thank you god for the connection, and very funny!

thank god for fingernails

I finally have the bandaid off on my left middle finger, and a reasonably healthy scab going. I only yelp occasionally. I'm still only typing with my fingernails on my left hand, making me have the most ridiculous and funny-looking typing posture. They're not long enough to type at an angle, so my fingers have to be perfectly vertical. Try it :)

Saw my homeopath this morning, so she could take my case. The case of my general malaise/chronic respiratory issues and so on. A "constitutional" remedy. It's a bit like going to therapy (I think anyhow, never having properly been) where I talk a LOT about myself and how i feel and think and so on, and she asks periodic questions, most of which are "I'd like to hear more about X" and off I go on another 15 minute answer. I certainly can talk about myself for long periods of time. Three hours this time. She's going to analyze/process my case and get back to me.

The nice part? She's doing it for free, as I have NO money to pay her at the moment. She said whenever, don't worry, it all works out. Rather nice, that is.

I was going to write up a lovely post about making ethiopian food, which I've been doing some of lately, but spent 3 hours on one INGREDIENT yesterday (a large batch so I would'nt have to do it again for a long time) and managed to burn it in the last 10 minutes. The good thing was I didn't get angry, or particularly depressed, just resigned. And wiser. And bought more butter and spices to make the ingredients (spiced butter and berbere pepper mix) that go into making the INGREDIENT (sauteed onions with berbere and spiced butter ... there is a better name but it escapes me.) I'll try again this weekend. I need the INGREDIENT to make Doro Tibs Wat, a chicken/hardboiled egg stew. You can see it's taking on some undue significance due to the amount of work.

The lady who's website I got most of the recipes from talks a lot in sharing her recipes, and I love the commentary. One comment on this onions is that she misses the help in ethiopia, the women cook together. I think I would love that, despite my Stay Out of My Kitchen vibe when I'm cooking. It's small, compact actually, though perfectly functional. I love having other hands and divvying up the work. Just not small hands hugging my knees and chanting "pease? joos? pease?" while shoving a dripping sippy cup at me. I love the small hands mind you, just not when my own hands are covered in raw chicken or hot pad holders, and a tad unavailable.

Snippits

This is the funniest thing I've seen in ages. Must have kids to relate I do believe.

And this made me want to have another kid. Not necessarily for viable reasons, but it did.

I think 2:29 am is a good time to retire? I love staying up late, and hate the morning after. Go figure.

Where I'm at

Came back from vacation and struggled a bit. No time really while gone to think about things like I'd hoped. The 'how do i make money with sanemoms and how can i get more coaching clients' kind of thinking. Burnt out a bit from the race still, but need to hit the ground running if we're to be able to keep this most lovely front room I'm in. Feeling the pressure of making money asap, and of course that makes me scatterbrained and reluctant to focus on how to find more clients. Coming back into the city was kinda hard too, as I'm a bit more reluctant each time. I love it here and it's still home, but the urge to live in a simpler/quieter place gets stronger every time. But I know it's not time to leave yet.

So I balked for a few days at digging back into life here, and as soon as I did, my computer decided to balk back at me with all sorts of Vista compatibility issues. Bah humbug :) Got a few ideas from friends today about marketing and refining things, and I'm starting to look forward to it again. Got a client inquiry was a hopeful sign today. Getting a sudden rush job sunday night for an old chicago client was a blessing too, and i love charging time and a half :) ... though I balked at going back to design-land too.

M has to report for jury duty tomorrow, so if I'm to run I have to get up in just over 6 hours. I go.

Day 30 - wrapping up

I watched the workmen on the house behind me build a fence today. I did a radio show on empowerment and moms. I thought about limits, and where they come from. I thought about what inspires people, and what keeps them going and loving what they do. I thought about martyrdom, and my tendency towards it but my lack of feeling that way lately. I talked to a friend in the ER. I visited the newish YMCA, to meet the lady face-to-face who i hope will get the Y to sponsor my race. I felt disappointed the article was postponed until next weekend. I got over it.

It's the last day of NoBloPoMo, and the last day of November. As I seem to be babbling tonight, here are 30 things about me that are of varying degrees of interest.

1. I have a tattoo on my right hip, of a snowflake
2. I tried to date my brother-in-law for years before admitting I was more attracted to his younger brother
3. I love to go barefoot, everywhere I can get away with it, but hate getting comments or stares.
4. I've been kicked out of a club for being barefoot
5. I have a chip out of my front tooth where a drunk stranger clonked me with a beer bottle while putting his arm around me for a photo
6. When I was about 8 or 9, I doubted that I'd been saved 'right' so I asked God over and over again to take away my sins.
7. I distrust organized religion, but find it comforting
8. I love smoked oysters, manchego cheese, and dark chocolate
9. I'm a snacker by nature, and hate big meals
10. I'm so connected to my grandma that I'm not sure how I'll handle her eventual death ... I've got a big chunk of her in me
11. I HATE getting up in the morning, and always want to sleep in
12. I got so nervous the first time I went to church with my parents after officially leaving the church that I puked in the bathroom in between meetings
13. I also puked after running the mile in 5th grade with a time of 6:46
14. One of the most joyous moments of my life was while spinning out of control before totaling my Jetta
15. I pee in the shower
16. I don't change my kids diapers until I absolutely *have* to. Thank God they don't get diaper rash.
17. I can't watch horror movies, period
18. I'm not good at giving my opinion, but generally have one, though I'm getting more confident in sharing them
19. I just plain can't dance, unless, no, there's no unless. I can't dance.
20. I can't look back at the 2 years I spent in PA without cringing
21. I can't feel good about leaving/moving until it hurts to do so
22. I miss my garden, trees, dirt that I can wiggle my toes in, moving water that's not in a gutter, and the smell of fresh-cut grass.
23. I miss my friends, the ones I had real time for before marriage/kids, and feel frustrated that I don't have the time to spend with them. The bit I do get is like gold.
24. I hate obligations. I make them for myself, and accept them too readily from others.
25. I need praise from others to feel good about what I'm doing, but feel guilty for it.
26. I have a scar on my knuckle from having a wart burned off as a child
27. I got my first kiss at 21
28. I'm insanely proud of my kids, and am afraid of what I'd be without the experience of having them
29. I'm proud of what I've accomplished in the last month, and can only hope December will be as interesting
30. I love what I've been given, who I've become, and what I've been able to do with it so far. Thank you God.

Day 20 - Abbreviated

Memorable event from yesterday that I didn't know about when I posted ...
I won my first ever election, without any campaigning, and without being present to even vote myself :) There's a group at public schools here called the SLT, which is a combo of even parts parent/teachers, plus the PTA president and the school principal. It discusses school policies, educational plans, and so on. I'd put my name in last PTA meeting, and didn't know the meeting to vote on it would be last night, the day I had concert tickets. Apparently there were 9 nominees and 5 spots, and I was voted in w/out being present. Not sure how that happened to be honest, I'm not known beyond the Kindergarten crowd, but kindergarten parents must have made up a majority of voters. Should be interesting, the year's gotten off to a rocky start there, so I'm not sure how things will proceed.

In other news, the concert was wonderful. Martha Wainwright was 11-year-old passion/angst personified, in her body language at least. She's not exactly 11. Her voice was a total treat, commanding, and she and her guitar, solo, filled the room and then some. It was at the Beacon, an old, 3-tiered domed structure that's pretty nice. We were close enough (read: nose-bleed) to the frescoes to determine exactly what parts had been restored. The Swell Season was a delight. The highlight for me was Glen Hansard doing a solo (he did about 4 or 5 in the middle of the set, just him and his beat-up guitar) of his own song Leave. The raw emotion he managed to pack in, and get out, was amazing to me, being of the pent-up sort. The duets with Marketa were gorgeous too, and they seemed like a pair of kids in awe of playing to a sold-out crowd in NYC. If they were playing the part, they played it perfectly. They could have been busking if it weren't for the amps.

I've found 2 running partners so far thru my running group, and we start next week at 6:30 am. Looking fwd to it, as I'm just not getting out w/out more incentive. I still want to run solo at least once a week, but hope the company will get me moving. One will be a local 3 mile, and the other a 5 mile loop to/around Prospect Park. Hoping my ankle holds up, it's been a bit sore. Will need to wrap it for the Turkey Trot Thanksgiving morning. I'm really going to miss seeing my family for thanksgiving, but a long trip just isn't feasable at the moment. We're headed to my aunt/uncle's here in Bklyn. At least it's some family! Very glad to have that here.

Going out again tonight to visit a friend who I haven't seen in too long, since the night before she had major surgery actually. We need to catch up.

Day 14 - blah blog

I'm down to the wire ... having finally finished shopping/creating stuff for my color me happy swaparooni partner, and got it all wrapped and ready to go. It always takes me longer than I think to put it all together. Almost had a meltdown this morning, not sure what set me off first, but M reminded me to get grounded, and I locked myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes and had some peace to get my head and heart settled. I'm afraid I lost it again when the internet cut out in the middle of a client call, but I survived. I don't tolerate tech problems well, and my PC is tottering on it's last leg and about to collapse. Combine that with Time Warner Cable "working in your area today, and we don't know for how long" and I get rather steamy. The PC issue could be temporarily solved with a 2 day process of backing everything up to M's pc and then wiping/restarting from scratch, but I don't have discs for so many programs that is a huge pain. The OS being one of them ...I loaned it out once and never got it back, so can't really do much. M says it's time for a new one, probably because he can't stand to be anywhere around me when something goes wrong with it. It's truly infuriating to me to have something go wrong or malfunction technically, and I'm not sure why I react that strongly.

In other news, I bought raw milk today, on the 'black market' as it's illegal here in NY for anything other than pet consumption, and it's yummy. My boys can't get enough of it, which is a good thing given their penchant for juice and such.

Wire approaches, lame post ends. Eyes glaze over. Wonder where husband is who can rub sore shoulders.

Day 11 - Birthdays

M has a birthday tomorrow ... Happy Birthday Wikkid! Another M had a birthday yesterday, and I didn't even tell him Happy Happy ... hope it was. I miss both of you.

I heard that D's having a boy next, and saw a gorgeous pic of her happy belly, on the beach in Cuba :)

And then there's the baby I've been talking about, finally, officially, born today. SaneMoms.com is up and running, er, crawling maybe, and needing some cleanup, but alive nonetheless. I'm so glad! It's been a whirlwind month. Less than a month, actually, as I bought the domain on October 16th. The idea's been brewing for months in the back of my head, and was really a take-off on an idea that S and I had been discussing for ages. (Thanks for letting me run with it, solo for now.) I didn't really know what I wanted it to be, or how it should work, until a month ago ... and the words and thoughts didn't really come together till yesterday. Scribbling questions while kids hollered and interrupted and begged for help with cardboard castles ... I think my stapling was a bit impatient.

I'm off to celebrate by watching Raising Arizona with M ... my M that is. If the other Coen brothers movies I've seen are any indication, I'll be pleased.

Happy Birthday SaneMoms.

Day 8 - I'm vibrating

.... with caffeine, excitement, adrenaline, and nerves, that is. (and what were you thinking?!) Why, you may ask? Because I finally got the permit approval today, giving me permission to get in over my head, work like a dog, and make a fool of myself ... or have a smashing success, however it works out.

It's a race. A 3k race. In my local park. Put on by me, and any sponsors I can drag in, to help launch my new website for moms. And to benefit a mom-kid-focused local charity. I have so much to do it's not funny, first in getting the site properly up and running (I'll be begging for help here in a week or so, in terms of posting to the boards, so be forewarned!). Not to mention planning a race, finding sponsors and prizes and vendors and marshalls and a timing company and and and ... my brain can't seem to slow down. I've been alternating between frantic activity and exhaustion, which is partly why I crashed so hard last night. I'd been getting depressed that the parks dept had promised me an answer, and then didn't come through with it for 10 days, while media deadlines were drifting by, and things like that.

As my sister pointed out today, despite my complaints, I love this kind of thing. Really. Lots to do, organizing galore, furious activity, and watching things slowly come together. The part I'm not good at, but will have to figure out, is how to ask for help. I've done better than normal at getting names and calling around for help, but in terms of asking literally for involvement ... that's where I falter. This thing, if it's to come off, is bigger than me. It's not as insane as my wedding (the craziest thing I ever planned, much more complicated than any trade show I organized back in the day, and they were bad ...) but it's still much larger than I can truly do myself.

If I had a hamster wheel illustration, I'd put it at the top, but I don't. How to keep moving, at a good pace, without driving everyone around me stark raving nuts? I've never been good at that. I always want people around me to just jump into my excited mode and work alongside, and it never works that way. Their excitement doesn't match mine, of course. Their passion.

I'm certainly glad to have found a piece of mine, though I live in fear of it petering out. What if this is just a whim that will fade? I don't know exactly what's driving it, although I've had suspicions. I do love putting people together, and finding fellowship. I love stories. I know I'm not the only mother who's struggled with her own identity since having kids. I'm tired of sites and blogs that talk endlessly and cheerily about how wonderful their kids/husbands/lives are. Don't get me wrong (or take offense if you happen to have one of those!) but it's not where I'm at I guess. I'm focused on the identity-ripping part of motherhood, and the issues it raises. Just another step from the identity-mucking-about that is marriage, and I didn't feel compelled to have a place for virtual strangers to talk about that. Somehow this is my thing.

I've felt passionately about mothers getting regular time alone since having my first. It's become my soapbox and I hardly ever find a mom who doesn't need it, or who doesn't struggle with guilt for wanting it. I'm sure they're out there, but I don't seem to run into them. I see moms in the park who have that look in their eyes. Not just the tired-exhausted-train-wreck look, along with the baggy sweats and black rims around their eyes. The I'm-barely-holding-in-my-terror-at-this-whole-thing and I-think-I've-lost-myself-in-the-shuffle look. I'm not imagining it. We somehow feel the need to hold it all together even for other moms, and that's just plain crazy. Sure we commiserate about baby blues and sleepless nights, saggy boobs and nigh-dead-romance, but we don't seem to talk about what's really going on in our heads during the crazy ride of motherhood.

That's a conversation I'm always interested in.