finding home

We went to G&D's summer place on Saturday, so that G and M could go into Brooklyn together for a gig that G's band had. That left D and I, our 2 boys each, and almost all of G's Italian family filling the house with commentary, banter, (mostly in italian of course), loads of food, and the usual jockeying that goes on between siblings and parents of what to do, when, with how many people, and once a decision is made it's discarded and remade several times before it gets settled on. (Heavy foreshadowings of our family camping later this week, I'm sure! Just minus the italian ...)

Initally I felt very out of place, as the boys and I were staying overnight (loads of bedrooms) but I still felt intrusive into their family enclave, as welcoming as they were. It didn't help that Douglas hauled out a chess set within 3 minutes of arrival, and accidentally knocked the pieces all over the floor, some of them marble and broken. One of the uncles freaked out, and didn't take D's assurances that they had been mostly broken already (it was a hodge-podge of several old sets and I don't doubt she was right) too well. His edginess put me on edge more than I already was. I knew that the parents who came (Nono and Nona) rarely venture out of their home in the Bronx, and had made special pains to come be with their kids. They welcomed me, shoved extra food at me, and made me feel like I belonged. I realized near the end of dinner that if I was to have a good time, and they weren't to feel obligated, that I just better relax and make myself at home and stop feeling like a 3rd wheel. Fynn's single-handed charming of the edgy uncle, and the kids going down to the basement to play (full of giant blocks, mats, dress up clothes, ride on toys, and mouse poop) helped a lot :).

After breakfast on Sunday, the boys holed up in front of the TV and watched a Sponge Bob marathon, keeping amazingly quiet.

The house (former barn) is huge and roomy and so comfortable, you can't help feel at home there. But the part that made it truly a home was the love/connections between the family members, and between G and D and us. G's always had the ability to make me see the value of relaxation and flowing from one activity to the next, for some reason. Letting connections be made and thoughts expressed, without being too careful about things that don't really matter.

In my wandering around the property, I'd seen some ropes hanging from the trees, across the marshy lake that separated the house from most of the surrounding forest. I'd done some creek wading, and when M and G returned late-morning, I left the kids and went and checked them out. Sure enough, there was a long rope swing with a t-bar at the bottom, an even taller (35+ feet) rope swing with a log seat and the most delicious gentle arc to it, and a rope ladder that looked like a ship's rigging strung between two trees.

I tried them out, then went back and convinced the men and boys to come along and join the fun. There was much joyful squealing, some squabbling about turns, and then the thunder drove us back into the house.

We packed and left, leaving G and D awaiting the return of their family from church. It was time to go and leave them to their own, and yet hard too as they are so open in sharing what they have. Lovely friends, people, and parents.

I realized on the way home that I was having these momentary flashes of familiar and unfamiliar. We'd driven that way a couple times, and some of the sights were already in my memory bank, and others seemed totally new. I've been having that a lot with my running lately also, as I go the same routes around here multiple times. The web of 'familiar MA' is growing daily.

The desire for familiar things. Calling MA home for now, and referring to Bklyn as bklyn. Douglas loving it here, starting to recognize things, and wishing he lived here. Where is home to be? It's wherever we choose to feel it, wherever we are as family, but roots are starting to play a part. Where do we plant them? I feel the pull to do so, and yet a fear too of getting too settled to travel. I feel like there are two very strong desires in there, and the two are always dancing. New things and familiar things. Familiar is comfortable, known, easy, and predictable. Understood. New things can be disturbing, vague, shaky, and exhilarating. Full of potential and wonder and joy. So can the familiar I suppose, but it's not as easy.

I love both things. I want a new place to put down roots, discover, contribute to, reshape and make into beautiful things, connect, and grow in. A place my boys will revel in, not feel bound by. I want them to live outside, not inside. I think I want to too.

Friday Musings

I've done nothing but post pics lately, and I have more waiting in the wings, but thought I'd babble a bit instead. Missed it, did you? Riiiight.

Been thinking a lot lately about what to do when this mostly idyllic summer is over, and I'm not sure what's next. We both really really want to get land and build something simple on it, but as the moolah to do so is in no way in evidence yet, there are hurdles to be passed. Lowering our expenses once we return to Brooklyn for starters (another tenant most likely ... big sigh) and figuring out what income we need and where we want to settle.

The house we were at last night (returning G and D's visit to their summer quarters just an hour south of us) helped cement the desire to build from stone, near water. They are staying in a converted stone barn on a huge acreage tucked into some forest, next to a pond and river. The stone walls, pine floors, and light and space was wonderful. We ended up spending the night, and slept in one of the upper bedrooms with windows thrown wide to hear the frogs and crickets and rushing water. I was, however, fully awakened at 3am (after half waking up at 2:3o when Michael crawled in) by something thumping around the room, loudly. It sounded like a rat or squirrel, and my first thought was that one was getting into the bread in my bag on the side table. Michael fumbled for the light, to be greeted by a large bat flying frantically around the small room. (The wide open windows were screened, I'm not sure how or when he got in.) I let Michael dance around, take out screens and try to shoo him, and watched from my perch mostly beneath the covers. Conveniently, he swooped out into the hall, then back into the room, but clonked himself on the door and fell straight into the empty bowl that was propping the door open :). Michael slapped the screen he was brandishing down over the bowl, we looked at and admired him for a bit, and then tossed him out the window. He was a good 10" across at least, and rather nice looking to be honest. Lovely interlude :). Then we overslept a bit, and made it back just in time for M to head to work. I got my bikeride in at noon, and am a bit burnt as a result.

Back to the fall and what's next ... I've been really pulling away from wanting to coach for the last few months, babbled about it before with no answers, and have rather enjoyed having 2 clients on hiatus and only one active one for the last month. A truly lazy-feeling summer, despite a few weekend trips as we take full advantage of having a car. (A car mind you that needed new brakes/discs/CV joint last week ... we're splitting costs with the owner, but ouch.) The last time I had the "want to let it lapse" feeling strongly, I got 3 new clients in a month without doing anything. This time? I've gotten 3 requests to work with other coaches and mom-sites, one to do audio recording, one to be a guest writer and panel discussion speaker, and then one today that's for a possible panel discussion slot at a huge WAHM conference in the fall. Pursuing the things to see what the possibilities really are, but a little unsure. Once again, I did nothing and the things were dropped into my lap. God telling me to keep pursuing it? Not sure, but they are open doors for now so I'm looking into them. I did say I didn't want to do marketing and finding of clients, and these 3 things are all things that will drive traffic to my sites at the very least, if not get me clients. Hmm.

It did prompt me to put a new face on Sane Moms, as squarespace debuted a huge new upgrade and has lots of new features, and it went reasonably painlessly tho i haven't checked for broken links yet.

I'm getting stronger feelings about how I'd like to live, and what I don't want to continue with, and if coaching is to be a part of that in a formal way, then so be it. It certainly seems to be for now.

Visiting MASS MoCA

G and D and kids came to spend the day w/us yesterday, and we hopped over to MASS MoCA where M is working to see the museum (the hit for the kids was the Miss Rockaway exhibit, very very cool), and then after-hours go went in to see what he's been working on.

Keeping tired kids away from the walls was a bit scary, one touch can ruin a spot as most of them aren't varnished yet.

An insane amount of detail work goes on, repetitive and crazily perfect things done by hand, slowly, over a period of months. The process seems as important as the piece, if not more so.

Some of the pencil line drawings (I didn't get any pics of those) had teams of 3 people just sharpening leads all day, while others drew straight lines, in various combinations, over and over again.

Michael worked on this one, with one other person, for a couple of months. Taping, painting many coats, untaping, taping, fixing, etc. No color touches itself.

This is his current project, and a scribble drawing, which is his favorite. He's managing a team of green interns, which adds to the joy of trying to get it right the first time. Fixing is painful, slow, and sometimes involves repainting and starting a section over. He's always coming home with graphite smears all over him. That's all drawn with scribbles of pencil.

More pics here, and more to come.

We went to the beach yesterday

Girls Weekend

Given the fact that I've been home for 4 days, I'm a bit behind in posting about the weekend but so be it. It was a very welcome getaway, to Philly with 3 of my favorite people W, BB, and KHF. We got a hotel near U of Penn, which I accidentally toured on foot at midnight, hauling a cooler and a backpack and sweatshirt, thinking I could cut thru campus to get back to the hotel I'd driven past, but no such luck. One very sweaty tank top and 15 minutes and a crampy arm later I was the first to arrive. A delight to sink into posh bedding, mounds of pillows, and good conversation almost immediately. Kudos to BB for getting the hotel (a Hilton) for 70-something a night on Priceline as it's a 200+ a night hotel. I went easy on the wine/cheese/olives/chocolate tradition as I planned to run a long one before the other 2 were up the next morning.

I dragged myself out of bed at a respectable 7:30, and took myself off to the waterfront park based on a map I'd looked up the night before on mapmyrun.com, a great site for finding routes in strange cities! I did my 9 and a bit miles, and wished I could go further ... shady, beautiful, along a river full of sculling crews and old trees and cool stone. I came back to a dark room and 2 sleeping girls, and knew I'd be dying for a nap while they'd be raring to go later in the afternoon. I was right ... though the flea market we'd found WAS hard to tear ourselves away from. I came home with a beaded belt which I love.

Then off to dinner at a local cafe W'd read about which was great food, and we were joined by KHF who had to tear herself away from a panicking husband and 2 small girls. We took off for the MANN center, and our seats for the Raising Sand tour featuring Robert Plant, Allison Krauss, and T-bone Burnett. A most delightful show, despite the yahoos in front of us who must have been in and out 42 times, and a lot of amusing drama as to who came with/left with who, seat hopping, etc.

They did a lot of their album, which I loved, and many things more specific to each of them also. Having a crowd of bluegrass (Alison) fans mixed with a crowd of Led Zeppelin (Plant) fans was very weird and quite amusing. Some obviously only cared for one or the other, while we and many others enjoyed both to the hilt. Fascinating to see Plant sing backup to Krauss' powerful "Down to the River to Pray" and then hear her belt out a solid Zeppelin tune and keep Plant on his toes. They both did an amazing job of truly getting into the other's music style, and contributing something meaningful. I'd go again in a heartbeat.

Sunday we had trouble getting moving as sleeping in is such a luxury at this point for all of us, and then BB missed her bus (thanks in part to our foot-dragging) so we got mexican food downtown, and the most amazing gelato I've had outside of Rome, and possibly topping even that. Thai coconut milk and Mojito were my two choices, both unbelievably intense flavors.

I had a long drive home and didn't leave till 4, as I had to 'swing by' Brooklyn to pick up my computer, which Dell refused to ship to MA (long story) and I did so to find that our block was having the Afro Punk party that afternoon, with the stage set up RIGHT outside our front door, and it was also the subletters birthday and she had friends over. I had to elbow my way thru crowds to get in/out, kick people off my stoop each time I came in/out, and try to get the things I needed as quickly as possible (camping gear which didn't fit the first time, a few tapes, etc). while answering questions about windows and locks and keys.

I escaped and got home before midnight, and couldn't believe how badly I wanted to get back out of Brooklyn and to the relative peace of MA. I'm sure the party chaos helped, but it's incredibly nice to be among the hills and trees and have a much slower pace of things. The desire to continue to pare down things and obligations and responsibilities continues to be a big one.

Potty Training

It's been going well, despite my erratic approach to it.

He loves pooping in exchange for NaNow.

And finds things to occupy himself while sitting on the toilet, including self-exams of past boo boos, hair combing, singing, and reading.

As well as the occasional appearance of the ghost of potty-training past.

If only every trip to the bathroom could be so entertaining!

well that was no fun

last night, i let dominic out for the first time since coming to MA. i figured he'd been here long enough, and could handle it, and i was tired of shooing him away from the door. so before his supper, i let him go, figuring he'd be back in a couple of hours.

to make a long story short ...

he didn't come back.

i cried.

a lot.

i imagined all sorts of things.

i assumed i'd never see him again.

i needed to cry a lot, had needed to for a long time.

he was found, wailing piteously under the deck below ours, almost 24 hours later.

i rejoiced.

i felt immensely better.

the end.

Carnival

We headed to the carnival Saturday night, and the boys had a ball. Glowing swords, rides, milkshakes, and lots of stomach-churning was had by all. I was surprised at how many stomach-twisting rides there actually were, and the fact that they let me take Fynn on all the ones I tried. The only ones I could get pictures of were the merry-go-rounds.

Watching with enjoyment.

Just watching.

Fynn and one of his girlfriends. I left apparently a bit too soon, as she put one arm around him and kept the other on the wheel just after I walked away. I have my work cut out with this one ...

4th of July Weekend

At the last minute, we decided to head to PA to the cousins for the weekend. Having a car makes such things possible :). I was in a mood to sleep, and did a lot of it, as did the golden-haired one.

Ash was a delight, and is posed in front of a fraction of the bugs he and his dad have caught and mounted from what's flying around the farm.

M, posing of course.

One of the also-visiting cousins, looking fierce. Or something like that.

I ended up getting sick while there, the first cold/cough in many months. Just as I'm starting my serious marathon training, very funny. I think the stress of the last few months caught up with me and I just crashed. Holding off on running for a few days. I had just discovered that I was way ahead of the game in terms of training and distance, at least in the schedule that I plan to follow, so I don't feel too badly for getting a break. I think I've been pushing a bit too hard for too long anyhow. Just hoping it's not too many days or it will be a lot harder to get going!

We went to a carnival while there, that's next ...

The Magic Glen

Based on a tip from one of M's friends at the party the other day, we ventured off to a waterfall in the woods. The directions involved going "past the cemeteries, take a left on M-something street, go to the end of the road and through someone's side yard and you'll find a trail. Hike 20 minutes and you'll see a waterfall."


They turned out to be perfect directions, and the waterfall a magical little grotto place with mini pools, rocks to climb, freezing water, and slivers of sunlight. A most wonderful place to sit and eat Subway, splash, throw rocks, slip and slide and squeal, and spend a magic afternoon.


The rain held off till we were on our way home :).

Fynn turns 2!

On our 2nd day here in MA, Fynn turned 2. In typical fashion, the celebration was last-minute, hectic, and thoroughly enjoyable. M had decided not to have Art Club that night (people over to paint together) as it would be too much on our 2nd night here. Instead we could just have a picnic in the park. He told his coworkers that we'd have a potluck, and then got cold feet that they might all come, and might not be bringing much to eat, so we ended up taking pasta salad, lasagne (made before we left NY thanks to Rose), cucumber salad, burgers, hotdogs, buns, and sangria to feed a crowd.


Lots of sides/munchies were brought, the kids painted (including a visitor from the playground we'd just met) and we had silly string, glow rings, and cupcakes. Fynn went home filthy, exhausted, and happy.


I loaded him in the car at the end of the night, and asked him if he'd had a happy day? He grunted a bit and cuddled with his new 'ackoe. When I came back to the car with another load of stuff, he was in there singing to himself "happy day, happy day, happy day ...".


Happy day indeed :). Thank God for 2 years with such an incredibly happy child.